When Parents Disapprove of Your Marriage

Luqman's Advice to His Son Allah tells us how Luqman advised his son. His full name was Luqman bin `Anqa' bin Sadun, and his son's name was Tharan, according to a saying quoted by As-Suhayli. Allah describes him in the best terms, and states that he granted him wisdom. Luqman advised his son, the closest and most beloved of all people to him, who deserved to be given the best of his knowledge. So, Luqman started by advising him to worship Allah Alone, and not to associate anything with Him. Then he warned him: إِنَّ الشِّرْكَ لَظُلْمٌ عَظِيمٌ (Verily, joining others in worship with Allah is a great Zulm (wrong) indeed.) meaning, it is the greatest wrong. Al-Bukhari recorded that `Abdullah said: "When the Ayah الَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ وَلَمْ يَلْبِسُواْ إِيمَـنَهُمْ بِظُلْمٍ (It is those who believe and confuse not their belief with Zulm)(6:82) was revealed, the Companions of the Messenger of Allah ﷺ were distressed by this, and said, `Who among us does not confuse his belief with Zulm' The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said: «إِنَّهُ لَيْسَ بِذَاكَ، أَلَا تَسْمَعُ إِلَى قَوْلِ لُقْمَانَ: يَبُنَىَّ لاَ تُشْرِكْ بِاللَّهِ إِنَّ الشِّرْكَ لَظُلْمٌ عَظِيمٌ» (That is not what it means. Have you not heard what Luqman said: (O my son! Join not in worship others with Allah. Verily, joining others in worship with Allah is a great Zulm (wrong) indeed))" It was recorded by Muslim. When Luqman advised his son to worship Allah Alone, he also told him to honor his parents. This is like the Ayah, وَقَضَى رَبُّكَ أَلاَّ تَعْبُدُواْ إِلاَّ إِيَّـهُ وَبِالْوَلِدَيْنِ إِحْسَـناً (And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents) (17:23). These two things are often mentioned together in the Qur'an. Allah says here: وَوَصَّيْنَا الإِنْسَـنَ بِوَلِدَيْهِ حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُ وَهْناً عَلَى وَهْنٍ (And We have enjoined on man (to be dutiful and good) to his parents. His mother bore him in weakness and hardship upon weakness and hardship,) Mujahid said: "The hardship of bearing the child." Qatadah said: "Exhaustion upon exhaustion." `Ata' Al-Khurasani said: "Weakness upon weakness." وَفِصَالُهُ فِى عَامَيْنِ (and his weaning is in two years) means, after he is born, he is breastfed and weaned within two years. This is like the Ayah, وَالْوَلِدَتُ يُرْضِعْنَ أَوْلَـدَهُنَّ حَوْلَيْنِ كَامِلَيْنِ لِمَنْ أَرَادَ أَن يُتِمَّ الرَّضَاعَةَ (The mothers shall give suck to their children for two whole years, for those who desire to complete the term of suckling)(2:233). On this basis, Ibn `Abbas and other Imams understood that the shortest possible period of pregnancy was six months, because Allah says elsewhere: وَحَمْلُهُ وَفِصَـلُهُ ثَلاَثُونَ شَهْراً (and the bearing of him, and the weaning of him is thirty months) (46:15). Allah mentions how the mother brings the child up, and how she gets tired and suffers stress from staying up with the child night and day, to remind the son of her previous kind treatment of him. This is like the Ayah, وَقُل رَّبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِى صَغِيرًا (and say: "My Lord! Bestow on them Your mercy as they did bring me up when I was young.") (17:24). Allah says here: أَنِ اشْكُرْ لِى وَلِوَلِدَيْكَ إِلَىَّ الْمَصِيرُ (give thanks to Me and to your parents. Unto Me is the final destination.) means, `I will reward you most generously for that.' وَإِن جَـهَدَاكَ عَلَى أَن تُشْرِكَ بِى مَا لَيْسَ لَكَ بِهِ عِلْمٌ فَلاَ تُطِعْهُمَا (But if they strive with you to make you join in worship with Me others that of which you have no knowledge, then obey them not;) means, if they try hard to make you follow them in their religion, then do not accept that from them, but do not let that stop you from behaving with them in the world kindly, i.e. treating them with respect. وَاتَّبِعْ سَبِيلَ مَنْ أَنَابَ إِلَىَّ (and follow the path of him who turns to Me in repentance and in obedience.) means, the believers. ثُمَّ إِلَىَّ مَرْجِعُكُمْ فَأُنَبِّئُكُمْ بِمَا كُنتُمْ تَعْمَلُونَ (Then to Me will be your return, and I shall tell you what you used to do.) At-Tabarani recorded in Al-`Ishrah that Sa`d bin Malik said, "This Ayah, وَإِن جَـهَدَاكَ عَلَى أَن تُشْرِكَ بِى مَا لَيْسَ لَكَ بِهِ عِلْمٌ فَلاَ تُطِعْهُمَا (But if they strive with you to make you join in worship with Me others that of which you have no knowledge, then obey them not;) was revealed concerning me. I was a man who honored his mother, but when I became Muslim, she said: `O Sa`d! What is this new thing I see you doing Leave this religion of yours, or I will not eat or drink until I die, and people will say: Shame on you, for what you have done to me, and they will say that you have killed your mother.' I said, `Do not do that, O mother, for I will not give up this religion of mine for anything.' She stayed without eating for one day and one night, and she became exhausted; then she stayed for another day and night without eating, and she became utterly exhausted. When I saw that, I said: `O my mother, by Allah, even if you had one hundred souls and they were to depart one by one, I would not give up this religion of mine for anything, so if you want to, eat, and if you want to, do not eat.' So she ate."

The Command to Worship Allah Alone and to be Dutiful to One's Parents Allah commands us to worship Him alone, with no partner or associate. The word Qada normally having the meaning of decree here means "commanded". Mujahid said that وَقُضِىَ (And He has Qada) means enjoined. This is also how Ubayy bin Ka`b, Ibn Mas`ud and Ad-Dahhak bin Muzahim recited the Ayah as: «وَوَصَّى رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوا إِلَّا إِيَّاه» "And your Lord has Wassa enjoined that you worship none but Him." The idea of worshipping Allah is connected to the idea of honoring one's parents. Allah says: وَبِالْوَلِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا (And that you be dutiful to your parents.) Here He commands good treatment of parents, as He says elsewhere: أَنِ اشْكُرْ لِى وَلِوَلِدَيْكَ إِلَىَّ الْمَصِيرُ (give thanks to Me and to your parents. Unto Me is the final destination) 31:14 إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِندَكَ الْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَا أَوْ كِلاَهُمَا فَلاَ تَقُل لَّهُمَآ أُفٍّ (If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect,) means, do not let them hear anything offensive from you, not even say "Uff!" which is the mildest word of disrespect, وَلاَ تَنْهَرْهُمَا (and do not reprimand them) means, do not do anything horrible to them. وَلاَ تَنْهَرْهُمَا (and do not reprimand them) `Ata' bin Rabah said that it meant, "Do not raise your hand against them." When Allah forbids speaking and behaving in an obnoxious manner, He commands speaking and behaving in a good manner, so He says: وَقُل لَّهُمَا قَوْلاً كَرِيمًا (but address them in terms of honor.) meaning gently, kindly, politely, and with respect and appreciation. وَاخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ الذُّلِّ مِنَ الرَّحْمَةِ (And lower unto them the wing of submission and humility through mercy,) means, be humble towards them in your actions. وَقُل رَّبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِى صَغِيرًا (and say: "My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was young.") means, say this when they grow old and when they die. Ibn `Abbas said: "But then Allah revealed: مَا كَانَ لِلنَّبِىِّ وَالَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ أَن يَسْتَغْفِرُواْ لِلْمُشْرِكِينَ (It is not (proper) for the Prophet and those who believe to ask Allah's forgiveness for the idolators. ..)" 9:13 There are many Hadiths which speak about honoring one's parents, such as the Hadith narrated through a number of chains of narration from Anas and others, which states that the Prophet climbed up on the Minbar, and then said, ((Amin, Amin, Amin.)) It was said, "O Messenger of Allah, why did you say Amin" He said: «أَتَانِي جِبْرِيلُ فَقَالَ: يَا مُحَمَّدُ رَغِمَ أَنْفُ رَجُلٍ ذُكِرْتَ عِنْدَهُ فَلَمْمُيصَلِّ عَلَيْكَ، قُلْ: آمِينَ، فَقُلْتُ: آمِينَ، ثُمَّ قَالَ: رَغِمَ أَنْفُ رَجُلٍ دَخَلَ عَلَيْهِ شَهْرُ رَمَضَانَ ثُمَّ خَرَجَ فَلَمْ يُغْفَرْ لَهُ، قُلْ: آمِينَ، فَقُلْتُ: آمِينَ، ثُمَّ قَالَ: رَغِمَ أَنْفُ رَجُلٍ أَدْرَكَ وَالِدَيْهِ أَوْ أَحَدَهُمَا فَلَمْ يُدْخِلَاهُ الْجَنَّةَ، قُلْ: آمِينَ، فَقُلْتُ: آمِين» (Jibril came to me and said, "O Muhammad, he is doomed who hears you mentioned and does not say Salla upon you." He said, "Say Amin," so I said Amin. Then he said, "He is doomed who sees the month of Ramadan come and go, and he has not been forgiven." He said, "Say Amin," so I said Amin. Then he said, "He is doomed who grows up and both his parents or one of them are still alive, and they do not cause him to enter Paradise." He said, "Say Amin," so I said Amin.) Another Hadith Imam Ahmad reported from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet said: «رَغِمَ أَنْفُ، ثُمَّ رَغِمَ أَنْفُ ثُمَّ رَغِمَ أَنْفُ رَجُلٍ أَدْرَكَ أَحَدَ أَبَوَيْهِ أَوْ (كِلَيْهِمَا) عِنْدَ الْكِبَرِ وَلَمْ يَدْخُلِ الْجَنَّة» (He is doomed, he is doomed, he is doomed, the man whose parents, one or both of them, reach old age while he is alive and he does not enter Paradise.) This version is Sahih although no one recorded it other than Muslim. Another Hadith Imam Ahmad recorded Mu`awiyah bin Jahimah As-Salami saying that Jahimah came to the Prophet and said: "O Messenger of Allah, I want to go out to fight and I have come to seek your advice." He said, «فَهَلْ لَكَ مِنْ أُم» (Do you have a mother) He said, "Yes." The Prophet said, «فَالْزَمْهَا فَإِنَّ الْجَنَّةَ عِنْدَ رِجْلَيْهَا» (Then stay with her, for Paradise is at her feet.) Similar incidents were also recorded by others. This was recorded by An-Nasa'i and Ibn Majah. Another Hadith Imam Ahmad recorded that Al-Miqdam bin Ma`dikarib said that the Prophet said: «إِنَّ اللهَ يُوصِيكُمْ بِآبَائِكُمْ إِنَّ اللهَ يُوصِيكُمْ بِأُمَّهَاتِكُمْ إِنَّ اللهَ يُوصِيكُمْ بِأُمَّهَاتِكُمْ إِنَّ اللهَ يُوصِيكُمْ بِأُمَّهَاتِكُمْ إِنَّ اللهَ يُوصِيكُمْ بِالْأَقْرَبِ فَالْأَقْرَب» (Allah enjoins you concerning your fathers, Allah enjoins you concerning your mothers, Allah enjoins you concerning your mothers, Allah enjoins you concerning your mothers, Allah enjoins you concerning your close relatives then the next in closeness.) This was recorded by Ibn Majah from the Hadith of `Abdullah bin `Ayyash. Another Hadith Ahmad recorded that a man from Banu Yarbu` said: "I came to the Prophet while he was talking to the people, and I heard him saying, «يَدُ الْمُعْطِي الْعُلْيَا، أُمَّكَ وَأَبَاكَ، وَأُخْتَكَ وَأَخَاكَ، ثُمَّ أَدْنَاكَ أَدْنَاك» (The hand of the one who gives is superior. (Give to) your mother and your father, your sister and your brother, then the closest and next closest.)"

The Command to Worship Allah Alone and to be Dutiful to One's Parents Allah commands us to worship Him alone, with no partner or associate. The word Qada normally having the meaning of decree here means "commanded". Mujahid said that وَقُضِىَ (And He has Qada) means enjoined. This is also how Ubayy bin Ka`b, Ibn Mas`ud and Ad-Dahhak bin Muzahim recited the Ayah as: «وَوَصَّى رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعْبُدُوا إِلَّا إِيَّاه» "And your Lord has Wassa enjoined that you worship none but Him." The idea of worshipping Allah is connected to the idea of honoring one's parents. Allah says: وَبِالْوَلِدَيْنِ إِحْسَانًا (And that you be dutiful to your parents.) Here He commands good treatment of parents, as He says elsewhere: أَنِ اشْكُرْ لِى وَلِوَلِدَيْكَ إِلَىَّ الْمَصِيرُ (give thanks to Me and to your parents. Unto Me is the final destination) 31:14 إِمَّا يَبْلُغَنَّ عِندَكَ الْكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَا أَوْ كِلاَهُمَا فَلاَ تَقُل لَّهُمَآ أُفٍّ (If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect,) means, do not let them hear anything offensive from you, not even say "Uff!" which is the mildest word of disrespect, وَلاَ تَنْهَرْهُمَا (and do not reprimand them) means, do not do anything horrible to them. وَلاَ تَنْهَرْهُمَا (and do not reprimand them) `Ata' bin Rabah said that it meant, "Do not raise your hand against them." When Allah forbids speaking and behaving in an obnoxious manner, He commands speaking and behaving in a good manner, so He says: وَقُل لَّهُمَا قَوْلاً كَرِيمًا (but address them in terms of honor.) meaning gently, kindly, politely, and with respect and appreciation. وَاخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ الذُّلِّ مِنَ الرَّحْمَةِ (And lower unto them the wing of submission and humility through mercy,) means, be humble towards them in your actions. وَقُل رَّبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِى صَغِيرًا (and say: "My Lord! Bestow on them Your Mercy as they did bring me up when I was young.") means, say this when they grow old and when they die. Ibn `Abbas said: "But then Allah revealed: مَا كَانَ لِلنَّبِىِّ وَالَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ أَن يَسْتَغْفِرُواْ لِلْمُشْرِكِينَ (It is not (proper) for the Prophet and those who believe to ask Allah's forgiveness for the idolators. ..)" 9:13 There are many Hadiths which speak about honoring one's parents, such as the Hadith narrated through a number of chains of narration from Anas and others, which states that the Prophet climbed up on the Minbar, and then said, ((Amin, Amin, Amin.)) It was said, "O Messenger of Allah, why did you say Amin" He said: «أَتَانِي جِبْرِيلُ فَقَالَ: يَا مُحَمَّدُ رَغِمَ أَنْفُ رَجُلٍ ذُكِرْتَ عِنْدَهُ فَلَمْمُيصَلِّ عَلَيْكَ، قُلْ: آمِينَ، فَقُلْتُ: آمِينَ، ثُمَّ قَالَ: رَغِمَ أَنْفُ رَجُلٍ دَخَلَ عَلَيْهِ شَهْرُ رَمَضَانَ ثُمَّ خَرَجَ فَلَمْ يُغْفَرْ لَهُ، قُلْ: آمِينَ، فَقُلْتُ: آمِينَ، ثُمَّ قَالَ: رَغِمَ أَنْفُ رَجُلٍ أَدْرَكَ وَالِدَيْهِ أَوْ أَحَدَهُمَا فَلَمْ يُدْخِلَاهُ الْجَنَّةَ، قُلْ: آمِينَ، فَقُلْتُ: آمِين» (Jibril came to me and said, "O Muhammad, he is doomed who hears you mentioned and does not say Salla upon you." He said, "Say Amin," so I said Amin. Then he said, "He is doomed who sees the month of Ramadan come and go, and he has not been forgiven." He said, "Say Amin," so I said Amin. Then he said, "He is doomed who grows up and both his parents or one of them are still alive, and they do not cause him to enter Paradise." He said, "Say Amin," so I said Amin.) Another Hadith Imam Ahmad reported from Abu Hurayrah that the Prophet said: «رَغِمَ أَنْفُ، ثُمَّ رَغِمَ أَنْفُ ثُمَّ رَغِمَ أَنْفُ رَجُلٍ أَدْرَكَ أَحَدَ أَبَوَيْهِ أَوْ (كِلَيْهِمَا) عِنْدَ الْكِبَرِ وَلَمْ يَدْخُلِ الْجَنَّة» (He is doomed, he is doomed, he is doomed, the man whose parents, one or both of them, reach old age while he is alive and he does not enter Paradise.) This version is Sahih although no one recorded it other than Muslim. Another Hadith Imam Ahmad recorded Mu`awiyah bin Jahimah As-Salami saying that Jahimah came to the Prophet and said: "O Messenger of Allah, I want to go out to fight and I have come to seek your advice." He said, «فَهَلْ لَكَ مِنْ أُم» (Do you have a mother) He said, "Yes." The Prophet said, «فَالْزَمْهَا فَإِنَّ الْجَنَّةَ عِنْدَ رِجْلَيْهَا» (Then stay with her, for Paradise is at her feet.) Similar incidents were also recorded by others. This was recorded by An-Nasa'i and Ibn Majah. Another Hadith Imam Ahmad recorded that Al-Miqdam bin Ma`dikarib said that the Prophet said: «إِنَّ اللهَ يُوصِيكُمْ بِآبَائِكُمْ إِنَّ اللهَ يُوصِيكُمْ بِأُمَّهَاتِكُمْ إِنَّ اللهَ يُوصِيكُمْ بِأُمَّهَاتِكُمْ إِنَّ اللهَ يُوصِيكُمْ بِأُمَّهَاتِكُمْ إِنَّ اللهَ يُوصِيكُمْ بِالْأَقْرَبِ فَالْأَقْرَب» (Allah enjoins you concerning your fathers, Allah enjoins you concerning your mothers, Allah enjoins you concerning your mothers, Allah enjoins you concerning your mothers, Allah enjoins you concerning your close relatives then the next in closeness.) This was recorded by Ibn Majah from the Hadith of `Abdullah bin `Ayyash. Another Hadith Ahmad recorded that a man from Banu Yarbu` said: "I came to the Prophet while he was talking to the people, and I heard him saying, «يَدُ الْمُعْطِي الْعُلْيَا، أُمَّكَ وَأَبَاكَ، وَأُخْتَكَ وَأَخَاكَ، ثُمَّ أَدْنَاكَ أَدْنَاك» (The hand of the one who gives is superior. (Give to) your mother and your father, your sister and your brother, then the closest and next closest.)"

The Wali (Guardian) of the Divorced Woman should not prevent Her from going back to Her Husband `Ali bin Abu Talhah reported that Ibn `Abbas said, "This Ayah was revealed about the man who divorces his wife once or twice and her `Iddah finishes. He later thinks about taking her back in marriage and the woman also wishes that, yet, her family prevents her from remarrying him. Hence, Allah prohibited her family from preventing her." Masruq, Ibrahim An-Nakha`i, Az-Zuhri and Ad-Dahhak stated that this is the reason behind revealing the Ayah (2:232). These statements clearly conform to the apparent meaning of the Ayah. There is no Marriage without a Wali (for the Woman) The Ayah (2:232) also indicates that the woman is not permitted to give herself in marriage. Rather, she requires a Wali (guardian such as her father, brother, adult son, and so forth) to give her away in marriage, as Ibn Jarir and At-Tirmidhi have stated when they mentioned this Ayah. Also, a Hadith states that: «لَا تُزَوِّجُ الْمَرْأةُ الْمَرْأَةَ، ولَا تُزَوِّج الْمَرأةُ نَفْسَهَا، فَإِنَّ الزَّانِيَةَ هِيَ الَّتِي تُزَوِّجُ نَفْسَهَا» (The woman does not give another woman away for marriage and the woman does not give herself away in marriage, for only the adulteress gives herself away for marriage.) Another Hadith states: «لَا نِكَاحَ إلَّا بِوَلِيَ مُرْشِدٍ وَشَاهِدَيْ عَدْل» (No marriage is valid except with the participation of a mature Wali and two trustworthy witnesses.) The Reason behind revealing the Ayah (2:232) It was reported that this Ayah was revealed about Ma`qil bin Yasar Al-Muzani and his sister. Al-Bukhari reported in his Sahih, when he mentioned the Tafsir of this Ayah (2:232), that the husband of the sister of Ma`qil bin Yasar divorced her. He waited until her `Iddah finished and then asked to remarry her, but Ma`qil refused. Then, this Ayah was sent down: فَلاَ تَعْضُلُوهُنَّ أَن يَنكِحْنَ أَزْوَجَهُنَّ (...do not prevent them from marrying their (former) husbands.) Abu Dawud, At-Tirmidhi, Ibn Abu Hatim, Ibn Jarir and Ibn Marduwyah and Al-Bayhaqi reported this Hadith from Al-Hasan from Ma`qil bin Yasar. At-Tirmidhi rendered this Hadith authentic and in his narration, Ma`qil bin Yasar gave his sister in marriage for a Muslim man during the time of Allah's Messenger ﷺ. She remained with him for a while and he divorced her once and did not take her back until her `Iddah finished. They then wanted to get back with each other and he came to ask her for marriage. Ma`qil said to him, "O ungrateful one! I honored you and married her to you but you divorced her. By Allah! She will never be returned to you." But Allah knew his need for his wife and her need for her husband and He revealed: وَإِذَا طَلَّقْتُمُ النِّسَآءَ فَبَلَغْنَ أَجَلَهُنَّ (And when you have divorced women and they have fulfilled the term of their prescribed period, ) until He said: وَأَنتُمْ لاَ تَعْلَمُونَ (...and you know not.) When Ma`qil heard the Ayah, he said, "I hear and obey my Lord." He then summoned the man and said, "I will honor you and let you remarry (my sister)." Ibn Marduwyah added (that Ma`qil said), "And will pay (the expiation) for breaking my vow." Allah said: ذلِكَ يُوعَظُ بِهِ مَن كَانَ مِنكُمْ يُؤْمِنُ بِاللَّهِ وَالْيَوْمِ الاٌّخِرِ (This (instruction) is an admonition for him among you who believes in Allah and the Last Day.) meaning, prohibiting you from preventing the women from marrying their ex-husbands, if they both agree to it, مَن كَانَ مِنكُمْ (among you) O people, يُؤْمِنُ بِاللَّهِ وَالْيَوْمِ الاٌّخِرِ (who believes in Allah and the Last Day.) meaning, believes in Allah's commandments and fears His warnings and the torment in the Hereafter. Allah said: ذلِكُمْ أَزْكَى لَكُمْ وَأَطْهَرُ (That is more virtuous and purer for you.) meaning, obeying Allah's Law by returning the women to their ex-husbands, and abandoning your displeasure, is purer and cleaner for your hearts, وَاللَّهُ يَعْلَمُ (Allah knows) the benefits you gain from what He commands and what He forbids. وَأَنتُمْ لاَ تَعْلَمُونَ (and you know not) the benefits in what you do or what you refrain from doing.

Meaning of `Inheriting Women Against Their Will Al-Bukhari recorded that Ibn `Abbas said about the Ayah, يَـأَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ لاَ يَحِلُّ لَكُمْ أَن تَرِثُواْ النِّسَآءَ كَرْهاً (O you who believe! You are not permitted to inherit women against their will,) "Before, the practice was that when a man dies, his male relatives used to have the right to do whatever they wanted with his wife. If one of them wants, he would marry her, give her in marriage, or prevent her from marriage, for they had more right to her than her own family. Thereafter, this Ayah was revealed about this practice, يَـأَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ لاَ يَحِلُّ لَكُمْ أَن تَرِثُواْ النِّسَآءَ كَرْهاً (O you who believe! You are not permitted to inherit women against their will)." Women Should not Be Treated with Harshness Allah said, وَلاَ تَعْضُلُوهُنَّ لِتَذْهَبُواْ بِبَعْضِ مَآ ءَاتَيْتُمُوهُنَّ (nor to prevent them from marriage, in order to take part of what you have given them,) Allah commands: Do not treat the woman harshly so that she gives back all or part of the dowry that she was given, or forfeits one of her rights by means of coercion and oppression. Allah's statement, إِلاَّ أَن يَأْتِينَ بِفَاحِشَةٍ مُّبَيِّنَةٍ (unless they commit open Fahishah.) Ibn Mas`ud, Ibn `Abbas, Sa`id bin Al-Musayyib, Ash-Sha`bi, Al-Hasan Al-Basri, Muhammad bin Sirin, Sa`id bin Jubayr, Mujahid, `Ikrimah, `Ata' Al-Khurasani, Ad-Dahhak, Abu Qilabah, Abu Salih, As-Suddi, Zayd bin Aslam and Sa`id bin Abi Hilal said that this refers to illicit sex. Meaning that if the wife commits adultery, you are allowed to take back the dowry you gave her. You are also allowed to annoy her, until she gives back the dowry in return for a Khula`." In Surat Al-Baqarah, Allah said, وَلاَ يَحِلُّ لَكُمْ أَن تَأْخُذُواْ مِمَّآ ءَاتَيْتُمُوهُنَّ شَيْئًا إِلاَّ أَن يَخَافَآ أَلاَّ يُقِيمَا حُدُودَ اللَّهِ (And it is not lawful for you (men) to take back (from your wives) any of what you have given them, except when both parties fear that they would be unable to keep the limits ordained by Allah) 2:229. Ibn `Abbas, `Ikrimah and Ad-Dahhak said that Fahishah refers to disobedience and defiance. Ibn Jarir chose the view that it is general, encompasses all these meanings, adultery, disobedience, defiance, rudeness, and so forth. Meaning that he is allowed to annoy his wife when she does any of these acts until she forfeits all or part of her rights and he then separates from her, and this view is good, and Allah knows best. Live With Women Honorably Allah said, وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ (And live with them honorably), by saying kind words to them, treating them kindly and making your appearance appealing for them, as much as you can, just as you like the same from them. Allah said in another Ayah, وَلَهُنَّ مِثْلُ الَّذِى عَلَيْهِنَّ بِالْمَعْرُوفِ (And they have rights similar over them to what is reasonable) 2:228. The Messenger of Allah ﷺ said, «خَيْرُكُمْ خَيْرُكُمْ لِأَهْلِهِ، وَأَنَا خَيْرُكُمْ لِأَهْلِي» (The best among you is he who is the best with his family. Verily, I am the best one among you with my family.) It was the practice of the Messenger of Allah ﷺ to be kind, cheerful, playful with his wives, compassionate, spending on them and laughing with them. The Messenger ﷺ used to race with `A'ishah, the Mother of the Faithful, as a means of kindness to her. `A'ishah said, "The Messenger of Allah ﷺ raced with me and I won the race. This occurred before I gained weight, and afterwards I raced with him again, and he won that race. He said, «هذِهِ بِتِلْك» (This victory is for that victory.)" When the Prophet was at the home of one of his wives, sometimes all of his wives would meet there and eat together, and they would then go back to their homes. He and his wife would sleep in the same bed, he would remove his upper garment, sleeping in only his lower garment. The Prophet used to talk to the wife whose night it was, after praying `Isha' and before he went to sleep. Allah said, لَّقَدْ كَانَ لَكُمْ فِى رَسُولِ اللَّهِ أُسْوَةٌ حَسَنَةٌ (Indeed in the Messenger of Allah ﷺ you have a good example to follow) 33:21. Allah said, فَإِن كَرِهْتُمُوهُنَّ فَعَسَى أَن تَكْرَهُواْ شَيْئاً وَيَجْعَلَ اللَّهُ فِيهِ خَيْراً كَثِيراً (If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing and Allah brings through it a great deal of good.) Allah says that your patience, which is demonstrated by keeping wives whom you dislike, carries good rewards for you in this life and the Hereafter. Ibn `Abbas commented on this Ayah, "That the husband may feel compassion towards his wife and Allah gives him a child with her, and this child carries tremendous goodness." An authentic Hadith states, «لَا يَفْرَكْ مُؤْمِنٌ مُؤْمِنَةً، إِنْ سَخِطَ مِنْهَا خُلُقًا، رَضِيَ مِنْهَا آخَر» (No believing man should hate his believing wife. If he dislikes a part of her conduct, he would surely like another.) The Prohibition of Taking Back the Dowry Allah said, وَإِنْ أَرَدْتُّمُ اسْتِبْدَالَ زَوْجٍ مَّكَانَ زَوْجٍ وَءَاتَيْتُمْ إِحْدَاهُنَّ قِنْطَاراً فَلاَ تَأْخُذُواْ مِنْهُ شَيْئاً أَتَأْخُذُونَهُ بُهْتَـناً وَإِثْماً مُّبِيناً (But if you intend to replace a wife by another and you have given one of them a Qintar, take not the least bit of it back; would you take it wrongfully without a right and (with) a manifest sin) The Ayah commands: When one of you wants to divorce a wife and marry another one, he must not take any portion of the dowry he gave to the first wife, even if it were a Qintar of money. We mentioned the meaning of Qintar in the Tafsir of Surah Al `Imran. This Ayah is clear in its indication that the dowry could be substantial. `Umar bin Al-Khattab used to discourage giving a large dowry, but later on changed his view. Imam Ahmad recorded that Abu Al-`Ajfa' As-Sulami said that he heard `Umar bin Al-Khattab saying, "Do not exaggerate with the dowry of women, had this practice been an honor in this world or a part of Taqwa, then the Prophet would have had more right to practice it than you. The Messenger of Allah ﷺ never gave any of his wives, nor did any of his daughters receive a dowry more than twelve Uwqiyah. A man used to pay a substantial dowry and thus conceal enmity towards his wife!" Ahmad and the collectors of Sunan collected this Hadith through various chains of narration, and At-Tirmidhi said, "Hasan Sahih". Al-Hafiz Abu Ya`la recorded that Masruq said, "`Umar bin Al-Khattab stood up on the Minbar of the Messenger of Allah ﷺ and said, `O people! Why do you exaggerate concerning the dowry given to women The Messenger of Allah ﷺ and his Companions used to pay up to four hundred Dirhams for a dowry, or less than that. Had paying more for a dowry been a part of Taqwa or an honor, you would not have led them in this practice. Therefore, I do not want to hear about a man who pays more than four hundred Dirhams for a dowry.' He then went down the Minbar, but a woman from Quraysh said to him, `O Leader of the Faithful! You prohibited people from paying more than four hundred Dirhams in a dowry for women' He said, `Yes.' She said, `Have you not heard what Allah sent down in the Qur'an' He said, `Which part of it' She said, `Have you not heard Allah's statement, وَءَاتَيْتُمْ إِحْدَاهُنَّ قِنْطَاراً (And you have given one of them a Qintar)' He said, `O Allah! Forgive me...' He then went back and stood up on the Minbar saying, `I had prohibited you from paying more than four hundred Dirhams in a dowry for women. So, let everyone pay what he likes from his money."' The chain of narration for this Hadith is strong. وَكَيْفَ تَأْخُذُونَهُ وَقَدْ أَفْضَى بَعْضُكُمْ إِلَى بَعْضٍ (And how could you take it (back) while you have gone in unto each other) how can you take back the dowry from the woman with whom you had sexual relations and she had sexual relations with you Ibn `Abbas, Mujahid, As-Suddi and several others said that this means sexual intercourse. The Two Sahihs record that the Messenger of Allah ﷺ said three times to the spouses who said the Mula`anah; «اللهُ يَعْلَمُ أَنَّ أَحَدَكُمَا كَاذِبٌ، فَهَلْ مِنْكُمَا تَائِبٌ؟» (Allah knows that one of you is a liar, so would any of you repent ) The man said, "O Messenger of Allah! My money," referring to the dowry that he gave his wife. The Messenger said ﷺ, «لَا مَالَ لَكَ، إِنْ كُنْتَ صَدَقْتَ عَلَيْهَا فَهُوَ بِمَا اسْتَحْلَلْتَ مِنْ فَرْجِهَا، وَإِنْ كُنْتَ كَذَبْتَ عَلَيْهَا فَهُوَ أَبْعَدُ لَكَ مِنْهَا» (You have no money. If you are the one who said the truth, the dowry is in return for the right to have sexual intercourse with her. If you are the one who uttered the lie, then this money is even farther from your reach.) Similarly Allah said; وَكَيْفَ تَأْخُذُونَهُ وَقَدْ أَفْضَى بَعْضُكُمْ إِلَى بَعْضٍ وَأَخَذْنَ مِنكُم مِّيثَـقاً غَلِيظاً (And how could you take it (back) while you have gone in unto each other and they have taken from you a firm and strong covenant) (Be kind with women, for you have taken them by Allah's covenant and earned the right to have sexual relations with them by Allah's Word.) Marrying the Wife of the Father is Prohibited Allah said, وَلاَ تَنكِحُواْ مَا نَكَحَ ءَابَاؤُكُمْ مِّنَ النِّسَآءِ (And marry not women whom your fathers married,) Allah prohibits marrying the women whom the father married, in honor and respect to the fathers, not allowing their children to have sexual relations with their wives after they die. A woman becomes ineligible for the son of her husband as soon as the marriage contract is conducted, and there is a consensus on this ruling. Ibn Jarir recorded that Ibn `Abbas said, "During the time of Jahiliyyah, the people used to prohibit what Allah prohibits (concerning marriage), except marrying the stepmother and taking two sisters as rival wives. Allah sent down, وَلاَ تَنكِحُواْ مَا نَكَحَ ءَابَاؤُكُمْ مِّنَ النِّسَآءِ (And marry not women whom your fathers married,) and, وَأَن تَجْمَعُواْ بَيْنَ الاٍّخْتَيْنِ (and two sisters in wedlock at the same time) 4:23." Similar was reported from `Ata' and Qatadah. Therefore, the practice that the Ayah mentions is prohibited for this Ummah, being disgraced as an awful sin, r إِنَّهُ كَانَ فَـحِشَةً وَمَقْتاً وَسَآءَ سَبِيلاً (Indeed it was shameful and Maqtan, and an evil way.) Allah said in other Ayat, وَلاَ تَقْرَبُواْ الْفَوَحِشَ مَا ظَهَرَ مِنْهَا وَمَا بَطَنَ (Come not near to Al-Fawahish (shameful acts) whether committed openly or secretly) 6:151, and, وَلاَ تَقْرَبُواْ الزِّنَى إِنَّهُ كَانَ فَاحِشَةً وَسَآءَ سَبِيلاً (And come not near to unlawful sex. Verily, it is a Fahishah and an evil way.) 17:32 In this Ayah (4:22), Allah added, وَمَقْتاً (and Maqtan), meaning, offensive. It is a sin itself and causes the son to hate his father after he marries his wife. It is usual that whoever marries a woman dislikes those who married her before him. This is one reason why the Mothers of the Faithful were not allowed for anyone in marriage after the Messenger ﷺ. They are indeed the Mothers of the Faithful since they married the Messenger ﷺ , who is like the father to the believers. Rather, the Prophet's right is far greater than the right of a father, and his love comes before each person loving himself, may Allah's peace and blessings be on him. `Ata' bin Abi Rabah said that the Ayah, وَمَقْتاً (and Maqtan), means, Allah will hate him, وَسَآءَ سَبِيلاً (and an evil way), for those who take this way. Therefore, those who commit this practice will have committed an act of reversion from the religion and deserve capital punishment and confiscation of their property, which will be given to the Muslim Treasury. Imam Ahmad and the collectors of Sunan recorded that Al-Bara' bin `Azib said that his uncle Abu Burdah was sent by the Messenger of Allah ﷺ to a man who married his stepmother to execute him and confiscate his money.